Surprise Friday Meetings

3 people from our Design and Development department got retrenched today. 2 mechanical engineers and 1 industrial designer. I know all 3 of them quite well. One is a parra supporter and we talk about footy heaps. One used to sit next to me. The other I play basketball with on Fridays. Retrenchments are a sad part of working life. :(

Mental note: Surprise friday meetings are not good.

An eventful weekend

Went snow boarding on the weekend with some friends. It was both fun and painful. Fun when you're coming down the mountain upright. Painful when you stack it and fall on exactly the same spots of your body each time. Needless to say my butt and knees are both bruised. I managed to learn to "leaf" down the mountain with just my heel-side. Need to practice toe-side next time and then linking them together.

Bought a house yesterday. LOL. My uncle and mum did the negotiations on the weekend. We communicated via the mobile whilst I was on the slopes. Then came back and signed the contract yesterday. It's an old house with lots of work required before I can rent it out. But it was great value for the price I paid for it. Good location, big land and duplex potential. I'm very happy with it.

A realisation

I've worked out why I was so upset in the past few days. As soon as I realised, most of the pain just disappeared. I was upset because I've been trying to force myself to NOT love the one person that I love the most. This just cannot be done. And it doesn't need to be done. You see I've realised alot about what true love is. Do you remember in my previous posts I spoke about the complexity of love? Well let me try and explain what I've learnt.

This will be my last emotional post for some time I think. I'm not normally like this haha

The feeling of TRUE love that you have for someone is something that cannot be taken away easily. It is the strongest form of love that I have come to realise. When she broke up with me, I automatically assumed that I should stop loving her in order to get over her. This would be easy if I didn't have true love for her. I've come to realise that the end of a relationship does not mean the end of my love for her. She may nor may not love me in return. But even if she doesn't, it doesn't mean I need to stop loving her. They say it takes 2 to tango, yes, but only in a relationship. It only takes 1 person to love someone else. If the love you have is true love, then you do not expect anything in return. It's unconditional. You love them simply because you do. And you want them to be happy. I used to think that if I love someone then they must love me in return. If they don't then I won't give them my love. That's not love. That's just selfishness. For example, does my mum stop loving me when I treat her badly? No. Will she stop loving me if I move out and hardly see her anymore? No. That is true love.

"You're not moving on Chi!" I hear you cry. Is that true? I believe I am moving on. Yes, I still love her. And I probably will for a long time. But I have fully accepted the fact that she can't be in a relationship with me right now. For many reasons, she wasn't happy in our relationship. I'd much rather see her happy than be unhappy with me. We're good friends now. Make no mistake that I still want us to be together and I hope we do get back together in the future. But only if she is happy being with me and our previous problems are resolved.

Yes, it kills me to think that she may be in a relationship with someone else in the future. It kills me now because recent events are so fresh in my head. But with time it will be easier to accept that she is much happier with him than me. I think it hurts the ego more than anything.

So for now, I'm just enjoying life. Who knows what will happen in the future. We may even get back together. I may meet someone else that I truly love. You can love more than one person in life. Otherwise your life would be pretty barren. But you should only be in loving relationship with one person.

Barely holding on

I wish I can remain strong all the time. Sometimes the pain is just unbearable.

"Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Lessons in Life

It amazes me how emotionally mature girls are compared to guys. They seem to understand their emotions and are able to control it at a much younger age than us. I've come to realise this after some recent events. More specifically, Sara and I broke off our long term relationship recently. This was extremely upsetting but it also gave me time to think. And talk. I spoke with an old female friend of mine recently over MSN. About my feelings and what I've learnt from the breakup etc. And not only did she understand everything I said, I also realised that she came to this realisation years ago! It's as if I've climbed this huge emotional mountain, am overjoyed by my achievements only to realise that the entire female population are already there! LOL. Not that I'm jealous or anything. Maybe the majority of guys are already there too and I'm the only emotionally devoid person out there LOL.

Above was just one example. Another example is Sara. She is 5 years younger than me but in terms of emotional age, I think she may even be 5 years older than me. Our relationship, to me has not been a waste. I've only recently realised that she has actually taught me some valuable lessons about life. Reminds me of that chain email about the 3 types of people that will impact on your life. One of them is a "Teacher" who comes into your life to "teach" you an important lesson. Sara is one such teacher. The major lesson I've learnt from her is about love. What it really means to love someone. I used to think I knew what it meant. But I was wrong. My version of love before was more selfish. Now it is more understanding and selfless. It's hard to describe and it's so complex that I cannot possibly hope to describe it completely. And I may still be wrong. Who's to say what my understanding of it now is not just a fraction of the way there. Either way, I am one step closer.

I think recently, I have matured emotionally by a significant amount. I'll give an example as to why I think so. I always used to think that after a relationship breakup, assuming you didn't initiate it, then you can't possibly remain friends with the other person. This sounds silly especially when there are examples everywhere of couples remaining good friends after a breakup. I personally didn't think I could do it because it would cause too much pain. But I think the pain comes partially from not being able to control ones' emotions due to a lack of understanding/acceptance of the situation. I think if you're emotionally matured enough, you can control this and remain as friends.

A good friend of mine told me of a method of dealing with breakups. He said to write everything that you hate about your ex on a sheet of paper and carry that with you. In your moments of weakness, take it out and read it so it can ignite hate inside you and reduce the feeling of loss. Personally, I think that is only a temporary solution and not really the right way of handling things. As the great Jedi Master Yoda once said "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.". These words that I once thought were a load of hollywood baloney, are starting to make alot of sense. Applying this quote to a relationship breakup and my friends suggestion on how to deal with it, you'll see that it is actually quite true.

During a breakup, you experience a sense of loss. It is similar to losing a loved one through death. If you have not accepted this fact then you are in denial. Why are you in denial? Because you fear it and refuse to accept the facts. With denial comes frustration and anger. A feeling of "why me?" "It's all her fault!" etc. By constantly reminding yourself of the things you hate about your ex, only feeds this anger, resentment and hate. And we all know these 3 emotions do not make us happy. It makes you bitter and spiteful. Which is a form of suffering, whether you realise it or not.

I believe the only way to deal with a breakup is understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. You need to understand the situation. Why has this happened? Put yourself in the other person's shoe and look at things from their perspective. Only with understanding can you even begin to accept what has happened. Acceptance eliminates fear and denial. Sometimes, understanding and acceptance is not enough. In some breakups, your ex may have cheated on you, then understanding and acceptance is hard to do. The anger and hate is too strong. You need forgiveness. Only when you let go of your anger towards this person and forgive them, can you achieve closure and continue to live.

Wow, I sound like a relationship expert wannabe. But hey, it's just what I've learned recently and I'm just putting it down in words. I mean, this blog is about me. My life experiences and I'd like to progressively put it all into a document so I can keep a record of my life. I am an emotive person that finds comfort in expressing my feelings. My thoughts are usually jumbled and out of order. I try to order it as best I can. So read it at your own peril. So yeah, expect lots of selfish writing about ME! :D

Growing Up

Someone said last night that it's been awhile since I blogged. And so here I am! It has been a turbulent month or so for me. A rollercoaster ride of emotions as they say. Starting with a relationship breakup, some realisations and then the start of a new relationship. I think in this period of time, I have learnt a tremendous amount about myself (both positive and negative), about true love and about growing up. I'm not going to divulge the details here as this is public domain but if you ask me privately, I may tell you :)

So, an update on other things in my life. Work is starting to get interesting. We have a large project that just kicked off and looks like I'll be busy for at least another 6 months. Thus I can't wait for the USA trip in 3 months time. It's actually the first time I've gone overseas that's NOT in Asia. Speaking of overseas, I'm glad my sister is coming back from Ireland in about a months time. She's staying with her boyfriend (who's from Ireland) and they're working/travelling in Europe. Good on em. She's starting to miss home (and good asian food) and I think we all miss her as well, especially my mum.